Funny Keynote Speaker

Awesome Bell Curve: Ego & Perception

2012-01-28T18:38:00.001-08:00

I was just realizing that every time I see a bell curve, I assume I'm in the best category- which of course, is not true. I don't have an amazing vertical leap or wingspan. But that's probably the only category. Ok, well actually if I go inside a building and turn twice, I come out and go the wrong direction. So I REALLY need my Google Map to navigate.

Anyhow, that's the power of ego, so I thought I'd jokify a bell curve to demonstrate the power of ego.

It's probably what keeps us going every day, since we don't win every day- and we have to keep going, right? It's called "Illusory Superiority". It's also call "optimism bias" and it keeps us from getting better if we actually suck. And I'll bet companies have it too.

In a survey of faculty at the University of Nebraska, 68% rated themselves in the top 25% for teaching ability. That means that every top teacher has to deal with two other teachers who think they're as good or better than they are.
In a similar survey, 87% of MBA students at Stanford University rated their academic performance as above the median. That means more than one-third of MBA students were deluded about their ability.
In ratings of leadership ability, 70% of the students put themselves above the median. In ability to get on well with others, 85% put themselves above the median, and 25% rated themselves in the top 1%.
For driving skill, 93% of the US sample and 69% of the Swedish sample put themselves in the top 50% (above the median).

The Irony Age: Historical Timeline

2012-01-28T14:09:00.001-08:00

Social Media Speaker: Facebook Marketing Keynote

2012-01-25T12:00:00.000-08:00

Highlights from Brian Carter (social media speaker)'s keynote about Facebook Marketing.

VIDEO: Viral Marketing on Facebook

2012-01-25T11:58:00.000-08:00

Can you do viral marketing (word of mouth marketing) on Facebook? Yes, but first you need something else. What is it? Learn in this video from Brian Carter.

Video Of An Interview: Amazing Business Interview

2011-09-30T19:45:00.001-07:00

An amazing interview for our time.

Brad Pitt Has new Chick

2010-03-12T15:02:00.000-08:00

Yes Brad Pitt Is My Dog. And he has a new chick, courtesy of the pet sitter.

Yes I sorta fooled you, and it's stupid.

But I'm the only guy I know whose wife gets kissed regularly by Brad Pitt and he's ok with it.

So, whatever, YOU.

Halloween: Messing With Your Pets

2008-10-28T19:03:00.001-07:00

How to Become a Stand Up Comedian

2008-05-07T18:35:00.000-07:00

Well that's an audacious blog post title, isn't it?

I mean, do you really think I can tell you how to do that in one little old blog post?

Actually I can.

3 Sure-Fire Steps on How to Be Becoming a Suck Successful and Fun Funny Stand-Up Comedian:

1. Be Born Funny
2. Stand Up
3. Say Stuff

and that's it, you did it!

Just kidding. (Did you expect me not to make a joke? Foolish student! Bad student.)

Well I like a challenge, so here's a quick step by step guide to becoming a stand up joker... start with this stuff, get famous, then become a movie actor, whatever!

The 20 Really For Real Authoritative Steps to Becoming an Incredibly Funny and Popular Stand Up Comedian Person That Everyone Wants to Pay Millions of Dollars to and Buy Their CDs and Stuff:

Figure out what makes you laugh
Watch what other people laugh at
Keep track of what you say that people laugh at and write it down
Write down other stuff you see or think of that's funny to you
An uncommon comedy writing tip: Read Strunk's Elements of Style at least twice and learn to write pithier- twitter also helps you be pithier- gnardonkeys on twitter
Write down the exact words your favorite comedians use and analyze their sounds, rhythm, timing, topics
Try to structure your own jokes, write and rewrite them, edit
Go to comedy open mics and test your jokes out. Record everything with video.
Watch for what did and didn't work. If you were in the audience how would you criticize you? Watch out for distracting body language, movements that don't fit, stuttering, your attitude, your emotions, your delivery
How did you feel about it? Which parts worked? Try to memorize the feelings you had about what it was like when it worked and reproduce that.
Imagine yourself being funny like your favorite comedians. Write jokes they would write. Say it like they would- later you'll get your own voice. Use them as a crutch first.
Keep doing steps #1 through #11, doing open mics, recording it, analyzing it.
Throw out the jokes that don't work. Throw out parts of jokes that aren't necessary (see #5). Distill what works into a solid 5 minutes
Look at your act and see what parts of you are missing- are you showing the audience the real you, all of you? Keep developing your act
This probably should have gone earlier- but treat your fellow comedians with respect- you can make fun of them when they trust you, like friends do, but be nice because comedians are sensitive- we put ourselves out there and risk, and we like support, but don't BS them either, because we're very attuned to when someone is authentic or not.
Doing #15, being a good person and getting funny will get you opportunities- practice and rehearse to take advantage of these shows
Write and keep it fresh and fun-
If reading doesn't make you puke, read everything you can about comedy.
Go to comedy shows- don't get an ego like you don't belong in the audience anymore- you need the audience perspective to shape your material and delivery
Don't do it for the money. Do it for the art. Express yourself like Madonna but without the cone things on your boobs.

And that's way more than enough to get you through your first year.

Oh yeah, promote the heck out of yourself via the internet. And spike your hair up like Dane Cook.

Those last two were bonuses.

It's all free advice... from a nobody.

;-)

Dynamic Public Speaking Techniques - Bloopers Video

2008-01-14T21:00:00.000-08:00

Dynamic Public Speaking Techniques- Bloopers video

Passive Voice Ha Ha Ha!!!

2008-01-01T13:13:00.000-08:00

passive voice is ridiculous, but sometimes useful

e.g. why was the road crossed by the chicken? so the other side could be gotten to.

e.g. check out this familiar action scene in the passive voice.

John McClane can be viewed through the doorway, backlit by sparks still tumbling down from the roof above. His machine gun is held by him.

MCCLANE
Hans!

The words turn Hans' body, but do not surprise him. His mouth grins as Holly is yanked into by him. No words need be formed by their mouths or larynxes.

HOLLY
John!

MCCLANE
Holly, we have to stop being brought together in this fashion.
(taking in the vault)
So that's what it was. A f***ing robbery.
(thinking)
So why cause the building to be nuked, Hans?

HANS
(while his shoulders are shrugged by his upper trapeziuses)
When six hundred dollars is stolen by you, disappearing can happen...but when six hundred million

is stolen, you will be found by them...unless they are made to think you have died.
(tight smile)
Which is what will happen to you next- please let the ground absorb your gun.

McClane hesitates...Hans gun is pushed against Holly again, really hurting her. Eddie's weapon is quickly raised.

HANS
(to Eddie)
Nein, dies ein ist mein.
(to McClane)
This time the sunset is not walked off into by John Wayne and Grace Kelly.

MCCLANE
That was Gary Cooper, s***head...

HANS
No more jokes, it is dropped or it
is gotten by her between the eyes!

MCCLANE
(his gun slowly put down)
Whoa, Hans, now you're the cowboy?

HANS
'Yippe-ki-yea, mother f***er'? Now
you are f***ed.

His gun is aimed:

MCCLANE
Holly, now...!

Instantly, Holly's steps are sided, her elbow is JABBED into Hans' face!

386 MCCLANE - OVER SHOULDER SHOT 386

At the same moment Holly's body is moved, McClane's Baretta
is grabbed from its hiding place TAPED TO THE BACK OF HIS NECK, Hans' chest is SHOT!

The bullet passes right THROUGH Hans, and the WINDOW behind
him SPLATTERS with blood and SHATTERS. Even while this is
happening, McClane SPINS:

387 EDDIE - THROUGH MCCLANE'S WIDESPREAD LEGS 387

A gunshot is taken by Eddie, the ground is DROPPED on by him just like on Gunsmoke.

388 BACK TO SCENE 388

Hans' weapon is dropped, his walk is staggered, his own blood
is looked at by him as his emotions are in shock.

389 MCCLANE 389

MCCLANE
You were right about us Americans.
(smoke is blown
from his pistol
barrel by his mouth)
We are cowboys.

but other times, advantages appear to be achievable via passive voice:

Explaining to the teacher: I lost my homework vs. my homework was lost - I had nothing to do with it.

Explaining to your wife: I had sex with her vs. sex was had with her - I don't think I was involved. Well who was? Well, ok, sex was had with her by my private parts - but it wasn't under my control. It wasn't my choice. I didn't do it.

Speaking to the police: I killed him vs. blood ceased to reach his brain after a his aorta was torn by a bullet that was ejected by a gun that was fired by a finger that is attached to my body and controlled by my brain- but it all happened so fast.

Explaining to God: I sinned without conscience vs. various actions were taken by the flesh you created under the motivation of sinful desires that existed before I was born and likely under the influence of Satan against whom I had little protection- the Bible was read by me and prayers were offered but thoughts entered my brain and actions were taken that I did not entirely approve of.

IMPORTANT NOTE: none of these audiences will be convinced by these passive explanations because people want responsibility to be taken by you. You have been warned by language communicated via this medium.

Training Difficult People: How to Be a More Difficult Person

2007-09-30T23:06:00.001-07:00

Cost to file a restraining order: $500
Cost of a lawsuit for religious persecution: $7.5 million
Value of a difficult coworker that brings the rest of the team together for a good old-fashioned lynching: Priceless.

The Value of Stubborn, Annoying, Difficult People

You think it would be great if everyone got along, pitched in, played well with others, was a team player, don't you? But would it really?

Don’t difficult people serve an important part in the workplace too? Think about it.

If there were no one horrible or annoying:

Who would everyone gossip about?
Who would you make fun of?
Who would you, dare I say, hate?

If thousands of years of civilization have shown us anything, it’s that scapegoats bring the rest of us closer. That’s right, a difficult person is a team-builder.

Are you the Goat that Wants to Get Scaped More Often?

Feel like you're up to the task? Think you could be that difficult person? Not everyone can do it- but if you think you have what it takes to be a sacrificial lamb on the altar of corporate unity, here are some tips to ensure you really excel at getting other people red in the face.

Be a know-it-all.
Constantly act defensive- meditate on this mantra “Everyone thinks I’m incompetent. Everybody’s out to get me fired.” That does wonders for office relationships.
When problems come up, say you saw this coming six months ago but nobody would listen to you.
At least once a day sigh and look disgusted with one of your coworkers. The best time is at the beginning of the day, before you’ve said anything to each other. If they ask "What?" look at them for a second, with a more disgusted look, then say "Nothing" and walk off.
Always blame others.
Whenever someone makes a mistake, laugh, roll your eyes, shake your head and say, “What a surprise!”
Whenever someone asks you for help, ask aloud “how long will I have to keep fixing other people’s problems?”
Do everything differently. The more minor your “signature move”, the better. For example, sign everything with a smiley face or in green ink. Or raise your desk slightly with 2 x 4 blocks. Put your job title before you name in your email. When anyone asks you why you do it that way, change the subject with an off-putting question…
Have a reserve of at least 3 emotionally loaded questions for each of your coworkers. For example, “Do you think the way you type is annoying?” But the more personal the better- “Does your husband always look the way he does in that photo?”
Keep a list of everyone else’s screw-ups and bring them up in meetings. “Is this like that time you forgot to submit the budget?”
In meetings in front of their superiors, accuse coworkers of random screw-ups, the existence of which can’t be confirmed. Tell the webmaster, “my assistant said she tried to get on the website last night and it forwarded her to a porn site.” Tell the store manager, "one of your employees said you were in a bad mood last week, are you ok?" Refuse to reveal your source, as it would breech their trust in you.
Use a calendar on the outside of your cubicle to keep track of the PMS dates of every woman in the office, even if it’s inaccurate. Next to the calendar, write “PMS Warning Severe:” and next to that the name of one of the women in the office.

Your Becoming Difficulter Action Plan and Homework

Brainstorm: What is the most annoying thing you can do? This could be chewing with your mouth open, whistling tunes that get stuck in people’s heads, taking person cell phone calls and talking really loudly, or eating really smelly food. Try a variety and see how many dirty looks you get. As you become better at this, you may actual develop a sixth sense for ambient workplace tension- learn to increase it.
Who at work would be most annoyed by your special talent? You may immediately think of a sensitive person at work (the one that complains the most about other people’s behavior), or you may have to experiment on different people to see who reacts the most to your particular way of being a pest.
Plan a time this week to be annoying. As you know, some day never comes. Put being annoying into your calendar or planner. Think about when people are stressed the most and be annoying then.
Come up with a bullet-proof reason why you have to do this annoying thing. The best thing to do is tie it to a medical problem (get a doctor’s note) or to your religion. Make sure it’s something that you could sue the company for if they try to stop you. [This is great job security insurance- if you can document that someone tried to violate your medical needs or religious rights, you can hold the threat of a lawsuit over your company’s head- everytime you receive a negative review from your superior, make sure to log with HR that you felt you were being discriminated against and tie it into your medical or religious issue. This fits with step five…]
Carry around a voice recorder and tape every work conversation you have. Don’t even hide the fact that you’re recording them. Occasionally ask someone to repeat something they just said into the recorder.

With this incredible info, you'll bring your team together and precipitate your eventual lynching at light speed! Good luck!

New Clean Stand-Up Comedy Show Debuts September 14th in San Diego

2007-09-08T16:26:00.000-07:00

For Immediate Release

New Clean Stand-Up Comedy Show Debuts September 14th in San Diego

"The Tonight Show Challenge", a weekly Friday night stand-up comedy show, debuts September 14th, 8pm, at the San Diego Comedy Coop.

The stand-up will be all clean. One of the show's goals is to provide a safe experience of live stand-up for adults. The other is to help comedians work toward network television appearances, corporate comedy, and other clean comedy gigs.

The show's named refers to its two short-format contests. One is based on the 2-minute Last Comic Standing set length and the other on a 4-minute Late Show set length. The comedians will each do both length sets, and the audience votes on their favorite comedian in each set. Then there is a 15 minute feature and finally a 30 minute headliner. Interspersed will be a warm-up, monologue and top ten list.

"Too often, you see live stand-up that makes some people cringe or go home feeling guilty conscience aboutwhat they laughed at," says the show's producer, Brian Carter. "If you want comedy that's not sexually explicit, extremely crude, or profanity-filled, you have to go to network TV. For live clean comedy, we may be the only show in Southern California. We're only booking comedians on the basis of how many minutes of clean material they have. If they slip up during their set, they're going to hear about it immediately... we ding them with funny sound effects. Three strikes and they're out- we cut the mike."

Judging by the early response amongst Southern California comedians, this totally clean stand-up show is unique. "I've been booking a lot of comedians from Orange County and Los Angeles," says Carter. "I'm amazed how many of them are willing to drive down to do clean comedy. From what I can tell, it's not only because they love entertaining people, but also because there's no other show fulfilling this need."

Like most shows at the San Diego Comedy Coop, The Tonight Show Challenge is free of charge, for ages 18 and up, and BYO- attendees must be 21 to drink and ID's will be checked. Carter adds, "What we do at the coop is try to help comedians develop and provide San Diegans with exciting and affordable entertainment they can't get on TV."

-----

The Comedy Coop is San Diego's only locally owned all-comedy venue and the official home of the 805 North Comedy Troupe. Formed in 2006 by Comedian Mark Whitney, the Coop puts on three FREE stand-up comedy shows per week for the benefit of the San Diego public and to support the development of San Diego comedians. The coop is located at 11211 Sorrento Valley Drive, San Diego 92121. See http://www.comedycoop.org/.

###

What is Clean Comedy, Part 1

2007-09-08T10:26:00.000-07:00

The question is "what is clean comedy?"

It came up for a number of reasons. We're starting a new clean comedy show at the San Diego Comedy Coop. It's going to be all clean, and the first part of the show will be comics focusing on short sets, i.e. Last Comic Standing 2 minute length and Tonight Show 4 minute length.

My goal was twoFOLD (not listed in order of priority- they're equally important and interdependent):

Entertain "adults" who want to laugh but don't enjoy blue material.
Give comedians a chance to work on clean material in front of this audience.

Entertain "adults" who want to laugh but don't enjoy blue material.

I say "adults" because I mean professional people or middle/upper-middle class people who aren't alcoholics, deviants, or immature. They could be as young as 25 or as old as 60, even outside that, but their frame of mind is sober, even if they're drinking. And they can afford to pay for comedy.

These people will laugh at a bit of edgy or crude or explicit material, but because of their character, goals or intelligence, they want more than the "shocking" expose of a twisted mind that ye dirty comics provide.

[To dirty comics: They'll laugh some but they don't want to go very far down the journey to the center of your id. They might even laugh a lot, but they'll feel bad about it (hmm I guess because they have consciences) and they'll think less of you for it later. Maybe you had the worst childhood in history and stand-up is your therapy, but the audience that appreciates clean comedy is not your therapist. If you need therapy, you have to pay. If you get free therapy by doing stand-up, and you end up getting paid, you're very lucky. Not getting paid and having it rough can reinforce your anti-mainstream views. I used to think this way, so I understand- it's easy to rationalize anonymity and ignominy as evidence of your revolutionary ahead-of-the-curve genius. But smart comics don't have to be blue to get laughs. So if you can prove to yourself and mainstream audiences that you're comedic skills can get you laughs without shock material, then do whatever you want- I'd just say don't be lazy and rely on it and lie to yourself about it.

In fact, the most historically famous blue/shock comedian - Lenny Bruce - was very smart. Even those that curse constantly - Lewis Black or Chris Rock - don't rely on it. George Carlin is quite the non-conformist and he uses profanity but that's only a fraction of what's going on in his comedy.]

Give comedians a chance to work on clean material in front of this audience.

Going on stage with new material when you're not that good yet is nerve-wracking enough; add another factor like it's clean and the audience is NOT mature and the last four comedians talked about a combination of scatology and explicit graphic sex...

Then either the audience really enjoyed it and isn't going to be as receptive to your next-to-godliness or they've dissociated from the show and you have to get them back... I'm sure dealing with that is a great skill to have and should be developed as well but when you only have 4 minutes onstage, you could spend half of it getting them back. That means less time to work on your material. I'm sure Seinfeld could get them back in about 30 seconds, but I'm not him and almost nobody is.

If you want to do corporate comedy or become a humorist or trainer or consultant that uses humor, where do you learn that?

Toastmasters is ok, but they're not as demanding as comedy audiences- you can get away with not being as funny, and ultimately you might only go for 1 or 2 laughs per minute as a humorist, but so much the better if you learn to be funnier first.
A nightclub with the aforementioned scatological and perverse comics doesn't give your material a fair hearing in the appropriate context.
On the job at corporate gigs? Certainly, you'll never stop learning, but why not start with a more solid base in humor training?

I love the fact that stand-up is so difficult... it's not easy to get 6 laughs a minute from every audience. It's not easy to riff brilliantly with every group. It takes practice. It's just too easy when you're new to get those results by resorting to dirty/blue material. That doesn't develop your comedic muscles- it just degrades the quality of your thinking. I suppose there may be an art to unique and impactful blue comedy, but it's much easier to grab lazily at shock material.

The analogy would be: Kobe Bryant vs. Homer Simpson... no Kobe's not funny, well maybe in jokes about him, but the contrast is:

Dedication to training leading to reliable excellence
- versus -
Consistent laziness leading to the ability to make funny burping noises

Now I realize I haven't even gotten directly into answering what I've found out about what clean comedy is, so I have to make this a two-parter... tune in next time!

Stand Up Comedy: Things You Learn the Hard Way

2007-08-11T23:21:00.000-07:00

Dang.

It's true what Jay Sankey says in Zen and the Art of Stand-Up Comedy,

You know how you thought you knew it all by your fifth set and then realized you know nothing? Well that same dance tends to continue for years. Just when you think you've got it down... splat!

I just had a gig like that tonight.

Stage fright, anxiety about the audience, new location, unfamiliar mike stand... It probably wasn't as bad as I thought, but it wasn't good enough for me, and I know I came off like the less-than-5-months-less-than-40-gigs-newbie that I am.

Here's what I learned from it:

Perform at all kinds of places. There's a point at which you need to perform more places than your "development home," which for me is the San Diego Comedy Coop. One of the benefits of going on the road, which I will do as soon as I have a schedule that allows it, is learning to deal with all kinds of venues, crowds, time slots... when you're tired, moody, underfed, dealing with some life issue, whatever.
Get familiar with the setup before the show. I'm used to a straight mike stand, but this one was for guitarists, it goes diagonal, and I simply didn't know how to adjust it- it was ridiculous throughout the show. Also, one of my jokes requires a stool, and I didn't have that, nor could I put my set list on it...
Learn how to work without a set list. It's fine sometimes I guess, but it's a crutch, it reduces intimacy with the audience, it breaks up your flow, and means you haven't memorized your set or put it into a natural order. I was doing 15-20 minutes, which I've only done once before, so it's shaky ground for me. If I had to do 5, even 10, I could think of enough of my bits to pull it off. I just have to get up there without a net and see what happens.
And of course, perform as much as possible. I've written so many bits but performed them so little that I haven't gotten to the make it exciting even when it's old to you stage with most of them. I've probably only done the most used of my bits 10-15 times. Think maybe I put everything in my life under a microscope. Um, yeah!

Organic Comedy Writing vs. Written Formulas

2007-08-05T23:51:00.000-07:00

We had a good workshop with San Francisco Comedy College teacher Kurtis Matthews on Saturday.

Among other things, he touched on two different types of comedy writing.

1. Written: Starting formula-based, written down: examples include the techniques of Judy Carter, Greg Dean, and Gene Perret.

2. Organic: Starting with an idea or two and talking it out onstage.

I've tried some of the formulas and I didn't like the jokes I got out of them, but I can't honestly say I've tried them enough- I write based on inspiration, generally, and that's enough for now.

I'm still learning about both of these, but I see some crossover too. That is, I've written some things that have evolved onstage and new things have been added over time as I talk to other people about the routine.

Also, I don't always say all my jokes exactly the same way every time- every audience and show has its rhythm and feeling and you've got to connect to this audience now ("be in the room"), so you may lengthen or shorten a line, repeat or rephrase an idea, whatever it seems like you need to- I can't remember exactly where I read it but one author said that every crowd is different, and you deliver the punch when it seems they're ready for it. But this is a performance issue.

Still, over time, you find that certain ways of doing the same bit work more often with more audiences- and that becomes the standard for that bit.

Organic joke writing takes more guts because you're starting with less, you're not leaning on memorized lines, but it also is more LIVE, and stand-up comedy is a spoken art form- if you transcribe real stand-up or talking you'll see that language usage and phrasing is quite different when spoken than written.

I don't remember if I've said it elsewhere, but Doug Lipman had a cool idea in his book on storytelling that showed a triangle, the three points were: you, your material, and the audience. But there are only two sides- the audience can't connect to your material except through you- and if you memorize everything, you cut out the opportunity for a live relationship with the audience- it's better to have ideas and emotions and pictures etc. and relate those to THIS audience in the way that best fits THEM.

Comedy Writing: Verbal Tricks

2007-07-30T22:00:00.000-07:00

Some of the books on how to write comedy talk about techniques like reverses, triplets, and crap (note I couldn't think of a third one but I had to make a triplet out of it).

Many books talk about punches being mostly about surprise, the unexpected. In my experience, that is true.

I ran across a writer I had read when I was studying advertising, the guy who wrote the Wizard of Ads, which was fascinating because it talked about Broca's area, which is a language center in the brain- and I'm a nerd for combining right and left brain stuff...

So he has a weekly column, and in one of them talked about the unexpected and broca's area and how verbs, and using parts of speech unexpectedly can be good- this is good- part of comedy is keeping people awake, on their toes- I'm going to play with this.

For example, I could rewrite some of the above with that style...

I googled this writer who intellected me with his book the Wizard of Ads. I nerded through the brain stuff like a hot rod because I'm a total slut for right/left brain happiness.

There- I don't know if that makes sense, but it's a quick example. It's not funny, but I just read about it today- hoping to make some funny with it soon.

Oh yeah, don't forget, clever is not always funny! So use verbal tricks but don't rely on them.

Stand Up Comedy Tip: The Importance of Having Fun

2007-07-27T19:27:00.000-07:00

Yeah, funny I'd have to remind you of this. Or write it so I'll remember it again later.

In Comedian, someone said to Jerry Seinfeld after one of his sets, "You looked like you were having fun up there." Seinfeld replied, "Then I did my job."

When you're on stage, enjoy yourself. Enjoy the audience. Enjoy your material. Enjoy reacting to what happens. Enjoy the relationship you form with them.

My two biggest bombing/dying experiences so far have come from

1. One time I had an attitude toward the audience, that they were a bad crowd. That's a bad attitude. I was like "I don't care, I don't feel like trying, I don't want to look desperate." I was just afraid of failing- that's what was really going on.

Lesson: Try to connect to them where they're at, and lead them into your weird, fun world.

2. Being so focused on my material I didn't relate to them at all. At one of my first 10 open mic's I tried to do a new 6 minute routine (which took all my time) without notes to a totally new crowd, the biggest group I had tried, and they were all comedians. I blanked out, freaked out, then delivered the memorized lines. I didn't get many laughs.

Lesson: Don't try so much new comedy at one time, or at least do it in proportion to your experience level! Do tried and true stuff in a new venue. "Security is knowing your lines," said Milton Berle, but make sure you're forming a relationship with the audience. If they aren't responding at first, do some crowd work. Listen to their reaction to your material, and if you can, incorporate it into what you're doing.

Comedy Writing Secret #3

2007-07-26T23:29:00.000-07:00

I probably should have told you this sooner....

You need to write everything down.

EVERYTHING.

I don't just mean jokes. I mean all your ideas, memories, dreams, etc.

Because even if you don't have a complete setup and punch right away, you may wish you had more premise ideas later on. You might have a dry spell, writer's block. You might feel more in the mood to expand on older ideas than come up with a new one. You might decide to write a sitcom or a sketch and find some of those unused ideas come in handy.

And if you're like me, you have a very efficient "forgetter". No matter how sure I am I'll remember something, later on or next day I'll be in a different frame of mind and it's on the tip of my tongue but gone forever.

I don't know about you, but if there's any chance that my idea could be 30 seconds, or 2 minutes of comedy gold, I want to hold onto it. And judging by my record so far, there's about a 10% chance of any joke idea turning out to have gold potential.

To do a little nerdy math, my average bit is about 1 minute, and about 10% of my bits turn out good, so every idea is worth 6 seconds, and if you want to come up with 45 minutes of great comedy for your HBO or Comedy Central special, you need to write 450 bits. (And test them out onstage and refine them and expand on them and edit them ad nauseum) If you have 3 ideas a day, that's about 6 months of writing.

So don't lose any ideas.

Sometimes it's a real hassle to find something to write with and get it down, but it's worth it. Sometimes you're going to sleep when it happens and you have to turn the light back on or get out of bed entirely. As Mitch Hedburg's joke goes, he either has to get up and write it down, or convince himself it isn't that good an idea.

I'm too obsessive to convince myself it's not a good idea.

So buy 5 or 6 little spiral notepads and a bunch of pens, and stick them all over the place- in your car, at your job, by your bed, in the bathroom... then you're always covered. I don't even go to sleep at night until I've got a glass of water and my notepad and pen on the nightstand.

Sweet dreams, and good writing!
B

* I owe "forgetter" to Teddy Paproski (hope I spelled that right, it's been about 6 years since I've even seen him!)

First Time: Tips for your first Stand-up Comedy Set

2007-07-22T19:06:00.000-07:00

I can tell you what made it easier for me, and what I've seen other newbies do that you might want to avoid...

Go watch some open mic's first. This is the most important thing you can do. Don't walk in planning to perform while blind to how it all works. Watch what other first timers do and what the experienced comedians do.
Keep in mind that the ones who've been doing it for a while have proven funny material. You won't have that the first time. This is the hardest it will ever be for you- skeptical audience, no proven material, no experience.
Every venue is different- from the bar-type to the theatre-type, to the coffeehouse-type... and some open mic's are a combination of musicians and comedians. In San Diego, there's L'Estat's on Monday night, which is a coffeehouse open mic with musicians and comedians. In my opinion, this is much harder, because not everyone came there to see comedy. And why should you give yourself a bigger chance of bombing?
Bombing. Most new comics do it frequently. This is when you get onstage and aren't funny. It sucks for you and the audience. It happens more easily when your material isn't as proven and you have less confidence. It's also more likely at open mic's where audiences are more skeptical because a bunch of the comedians aren't funny. You don't want to go on with the intention to bomb, but don't be surprised if you do. Gary Shandling says he bombed constantly his first 5 years in stand-up. Now that's fortitude.
How do you define success at your first open mic? If you expect to kill (get huge laughs from the audience virtually the whole time) at your first open mic, you're probably only going to do stand-up comedy once, ever. So I think it's better to say you succeeded if you got onstage and offstage and didn't have a heart attack. You lived through it. Now you can do it again.
Record it. At least use an audio recorder if not a video one. I've found that I'm always wrong about how well or poorly I did. The experience onstage is quite different as a performer than as an audience member or critic. Later you need to become a critic and look at what worked and didn't. Whatever worked you can build on, whatever didn't you can throw out.
Don't invite all your coworkers and friends. If you bomb, it'll be that much worse for you. In fact, that might make you more nervous and more likely to bomb. What I did, which I think is more sane, is wait until I felt like I had a bit of a handle on it, then I invited my wife to come. I didn't tell my coworkers I was doing it until I was 3 months deep.
The other danger of having too many supporters is that they're more likely to supportively laugh at you and give you an inaccurate idea of how funny your material is. You want to know if you can make strangers laugh. You want to be able to perform when you feel alone. You want to know you have the guts to go by yourself.
Expect to find out that a lot of what you think it funny by yourself or on paper or even among friends may not be funny to a stand-up comedy audience. See my other post about clever vs. funny. Jerry Seinfeld says comedy is an exploration of the self and the degree to which you do that is the degree to which you succeed. Be prepared to start over after the first performance. If you do better than that, awesome!
Don't start your comedy career by starting with hack topics. Here are some things that are guaranteed to turn people off, especially other comedians, and you're going to need other comedians as friends: airplane food, racism, bathroom humor, perversity, sexism, excessive profanity... yes some comedians can pull this off, some are gifted at it- but trust me, most likely you're not the next Andrew Dice Clay or Chris Rock... show a little humility. Try to...
Be original, be yourself- as with the Seinfeld quote in #9, this will take some time, but the more comedy you've listened to, the less chance there is you're going to come in doing somebody else's routines or with jokes that are too similar to someone else's.
Relax- ha! As if. If the stuff in this blog post intimidated you or made you more nervous, good. If you're going to get anywhere in stand-up, you need balls of steel. Go back to #5... just going, getting up, and then sitting down is all you need to do your first time doing stand-up.

Comedy Writing is Rewriting: Seinfeld

2007-07-21T18:50:00.000-07:00

Did Seinfeld say this? Comedy isn't written, it's rewritten? Provide me with the source if you have it.

That's the truth about all writing. Writing is editing, or rewriting. Also see Strunk & White, and Zinsser's On Writing Well.

Very rarely does it come out right the first time. You've got to distill the broth, polish the gem.

In stand-up comedy, you do this PLUS get feedback from the audience.

Seinfeld DID say (I know for sure) that bad crowds help you edit and good crowds help you explore. These are also two different mindsets- the creative one that writes or talks, and the critical one that edits and theorizes about why something works or doesn't work. Sometimes writer's block is due to too much critical thinking, too much self-criticism, too much analysis.

If you watch Seinfeld's Comedian DVD, there's a bonus feature where you can sorta read his notes on his "Think Tank" routine. You can see where he tried a variety of lines, scratched out the ones that didn't work, tried to add more to beef up certain sections.

Seinfeld is a comedy writer, and a scientist- the comedy club is his laboratory. Other comedians are less literal and writing-oriented. Writing is one of my strengths, so I lean that way as well, and I've gotten a lot out of the Comedian DVD and his interview with Larry Wilde in Great Comedians Talk About Comedy.

Obstacles in Learning to Become a Stand up Comedian

2007-07-16T21:41:00.000-07:00

Seinfeld said "Comedy is weird. The first time you get up to do it they introduce you as a comedian and you have no idea what you're doing."

Here are some obstacles I've encountered and overcome at least once in my short stand up career:

1. Get on stage. I wrote for about 45 days before I got on stage the first time. I needed that much time to get my brain around the whole idea. I read a lot of books and wrote several dozen pages of junk. Then I realized if I didn't get on stage soon, I never would. Another thing Seinfeld said is "you can only learn it on stage."

2. I've said elsewhere that clever is not necessarily funny.

3. Don't let the crowd determine your attitude and commitment to entertaining them. There will be skeptical crowds, tired crowds, tentative crowds... swing through the ball. Stay in touch with them throughout, but decide you're going to entertain them and at the very least make the next comedian's set easier.

4. Don't burn out. Before I knew it I was not only working my 9-5 day job but also doing at least 25 minutes onstage a week (which includes a total of probably 15 hours of being at the venues) and producing a new San Diego comedy show for experienced comedians to try out new material. Suddenly I felt like I was 16 years old with mono again. Ugh. And I wasn't writing and rehearsing as much so my new stuff wasn't going as well which discouraged me and made me doubt my funniness. Rest, write, rehearse.

5. I like lists, can you tell?

6. You will have days where nothing seems funny. Times where you can't turn on the funny. One guy I know is working his way through a three-month comedy writer's block. That can be the roughest of all... this requires sheer toughness. Look at your old writing, listen to goofy music, go for a drive or a run, watch video of you being funny for an audience that loved it, take a bath, whatever gets you into a different mindset.

7. In the spirit of #4, I'm ending the list on this cool number 7.

Stand Up Comedy Writing Secret #1

2007-07-09T19:43:00.000-07:00

What you write on the page may look or read funny on the page, but that doesn't mean it's going to get laughs on the stage.

That kinda rhymes, doesn't it? Let's reduce it to a memorable phrase:
What's funny on the page isn't always funny onstage.

And vice versa...

What's funny onstage isn't always funny on the page.

I was baffled when an experienced comedian said to me, "That's really cute, you're still writing down jokes..."

I thought, "How else can you do it? What is this guy... Lazy? Jaded?"

Maybe so, but he might also have been referring to the saying I made up above, and what I said in part 13 of comedy writing secret #2...

For a bit to work onstage, it has to

Be phrased the way you say stuff, not the way you write stuff
Be visual and memorable for you

If you're a really literal person, a good writer, a logician, you may find a funny concept or a play on words that seems clever but a live audience will groan at. Wordplay can be a nice touch on a bit, but don't make it central- that stopped being funny in the 80's.

I don't mean to come off like I know everything about this incredible art, but I do know a lot of great comedians say you must learn stand-up comedy onstage.

At my first open mic, I did a bit that I thought was really funny, but it didn't get laughs. In retrospect, it was interesting, but not funny. I quickly learned that what is clever is not necessarily funny. What's funny? What people laugh at.

I've already been amazed at how people will laugh at something that would never be funny on the page- all I did was have an attitude or emotion about something that happened. Maybe I did a "take" like Carson used to do. Or I just said a thing sucked or was weird. Then they laughed- not the moment before. Point is: sometimes a funny punch isn't clever.

So back to writing down jokes- some of the more experienced comedians I talk to say that when they have a funny idea, they may not write it down- they may just go onstage and see what comes out of their mouth- that's not a bad idea, because maybe some jokes get killed by the writing process- what comes out onstage is you being you in person, and you're in a totally different frame of mind from sitting down and writing.

You learn stand up comedy while doing it. I'm not a neurologist, but I've read enough to know that our brain has different sets of memories and synaptic connections depending on what setting we're in and what we're doing- for example, there is a whole set of things you know about driving a car that get cued up when you get in the car to drive. There's muscle memory, there are automatic reactions you've learned, but there's also the state-dependent stuff. You can't learn comedy offstage because you have to get up there and get used to the lights, the microphone, the audience, coming on and offstage, what to say first, how to end, a whole bunch of things you can't learn by just imagining it.

That's not to say you can't use the kind of practice visualization some professional athletes use- imagining themselves doing the activity, perhaps in slow motion- that's useful when you already know how to do something and want to refine it, or get in extra practice-

Just the other night, I had one of my best stand up comedy sets so far, and what was great was I threw in an idea (the "Carter Cart" my rickety version of the Dane Train) I had on the phone with another comedian, Rob Black- we just joked about it 4 hours before the set, and I got that in, it was funny, and partly because I thought it was so funny and it was also self-deprecating... and then the train that always goes by the San Diego Comedy Coop made it a call-back and I went into more detail about it-

I also integrated crowd work well and did a bit ("LMAO") that I hadn't planned on doing as a result of some of the interaction. That in particular was thrilling when I thought about it the next day because I've seen Zoltan do sets with lots of crowd work where he seems to go seamlessly from crowd interaction to bits to crowd to bits... and it was a glimpse of what it would be like not to need a set list.

So the best stuff, to me, comes spontaneously, because the crowd interaction draws them in and boosts how much they'll laugh at anything. They want to be comfortable with you and to enjoy you, and so you have to enjoy yourself and be positive toward them. And interested in them. It's actually a really social thing, and it has made me more outgoing in a lot of situations, which is a big deal for a former introvert and occasional social phobic.

Ok, enough idea dumping for now- hope you enjoyed it!
Brian

Comedy writing secret #2: step-by-step stand up comedy material testing process

2007-07-08T15:48:00.000-07:00

Dang where's comedy writing secret #1?

I haven't written it yet, but I know what it is.

It's a secret.

Ok, now I'll stop messing with you.

The Step-by-step guide to how to write comedy: Oh wait that's secret #1. Dang it. My bad.

Ok, assuming you've written some stuff you think is funny, here's the step-by-step stand up comedy material testing process:

1. Put it away for a couple days...

2. Look at it again to make sure you still think it's funny....

3. Record yourself doing the bit on your webcam or video camera or whatever...

4. Watch it to see if you think you need to redo it...

5. Put that away for a couple days...

6. See if you still think it's funny...

7. Take the ones that pass the test so far to your local open mic and see if they laugh or not- make sure you record this at least with a voice recorder at BEST with a video recorder... [at this point you can also upload to your youtube account to get feedback from people all over the world]

8. Go home and review the recording and see where they laughed and where they didn't. Try to figure out why, and why they laughed where you didn't expect them to and did you let them laugh then or did you step on the laugh?

9. Now you can do #7 and #8 several times to make sure you didn't get a weird reaction from a weird crowd...

10. Rewrite and/or cut the stuff that doesn't work...

11. Add on new bits whenever you think of them, and then it starts to become a routine on that topic...

12. Keep testing your routine for different audiences, experiment with different phrasings, gestures, vocal tones, etc. Sometimes a line won't be funny unless you say it with attitude, or with a certain facial expression or hand gesture.

13. Make sure that even if you're memorizing specific phrasing, you're seeing pictures of the joke unfold in your mind as you tell it, not words on a page. Know the image and the feeling that goes with each line. If you don't have them, come up with them.

14. Keep testing it in front of audiences, but don't overdo it til you're tired of the bit- rotate some out and let them rest. Do bits you're excited about. Do what you think is funny. Don't ignore the audience- if they're not laughing, you're not doing comedy, you're doing drama or storytelling- but don't do stuff you don't think is funny or you feel uncomfortable with.

No, not every comic does all this. I don't even do it all this thoroughly for every joke. But some jokes need more work than others, and this is a step-by-step map for you of how to do it.

Have fun!
Brian

My first paid comedy show will be on my birthday, July 15th at the Honey BeeHive in San Diego

2007-07-08T15:09:00.000-07:00

It's only $5 to get in... and I get paid according to how many people show up and say they came to see me. Come see it- I don't even care about the money part, just come and say you came to see Dane Cook and laugh and have fun.

It's near downtown San Diego (click for directions to 1409 C St, San Diego, CA)... here's the poster:

Wow my new comedian blog

2007-07-08T14:29:00.000-07:00

Is that exciting or what?

I've been doing stand up comedy for about 97 days, but who's counting?

Still, I get really into whatever I'm doing at the time, so I've already read 10+ books on comedy and written 137 pages of jokes in MS Word.

Hey, I'm not saying they're all funny... they're not.

Of some 247 bits I wrote in the first 2.5 months, only about 35 survived my own criticism and the laughter/silence test of live audiences. It comes out to about 38 minutes of material, 11.5 of which is really funny and I really like doing.

Can you tell I'm a little bit analytical?

I'll tell you about my material testing methods in the next post.